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So my promises of picking up the blog ASAP upon my move to Cincinnati proved to be empty. So sue me. Because it’s been so long since we’ve all sat down and had a round-the-campfire Hollywood-bashing, I’d like to take this time to review the past few weeks/months and bring us all up to speed on exactly what I learned during this hiatus.

1. The third time is not a charm.

You know things are bad when even a geek like me is asking there to never be another Spider-man or Pirates movie. Ever.

I’m not hard to please. I like cute boys, over-the-top special effects, loud noises and good marketing – I can handle sub-par acting and campy dialogue – and Hollywood can’t even please me this year.

Spider-man 3, much like X-men 3 before it, was a perfect example of a series gone awry. Sure, the move was enjoyable on a very basic level (shiny!) – but it came nowhere near the first two installments in dedication to the source material and characters. This movie had so much potential – what with the presence of one of the most-beloved villains in all of comics making an appearance – but what did they do? We saw Venom only after two hours of singing, useless eye candy and sappy subplots based around special effects availability. *gag*

Pirates suffered the same fate of bloated filmmaking. The series had no spark left – which is what happens when special effects become justification for plotlines. Really, both movies turned out as though the studios said, “Ah, to hell with it, let’s cram this movie full of broken plotlines and unfinished ideas. Those idiots will still see it as long as it has good effects.” And they were right (you idiots).

I have no problem with Hollywood making sequels – which seems to be a big complaint in critic land – I have a problem with studious churning out shitty sequels.

2. America can’t be trusted to judge singing – or write music

I know, this isn’t really a new lesson. American Idol has proved more than once that its audience has a tin ear and a fickle devotion (what’s Taylor Hicks up to these days?). But this year seemed especially lacking in talent recognition. Every episode it seemed Simon Cowell was about to open fire on the audience for voting for looks or kitsch instead of singing ability. I actually started to feel bad for him – any week he’d give us the old Donald Sutherland from Animal House: Come on people, this is his job.

Aside from the only mediocre talent, the songwriting competition proved to be yet another confirmation that AI is watched by the worst people in the world. I could have guessed the winning song would completely blow because its writer would be an American Idol viewer (housewife, sexual predator or preteen girl) – but I had no idea just how much it would blow (a lot). “This is My Now” sounded like it was written by an 8-year-old at Bible camp – a song completely devoid of meaningful lyrics, decent arrangement or even a good hook. Possibly the worst song ever created – and that was the winner. Imagine how godawful the others must have been.

3. Grey’s Anatomy rules your life (and you suck for that)

This show is bigger than Jesus and for the life of me, I don’t know why. If I were to believe everything I read and hear, I’d think that everyone except for me in America watches this show.

But we know that isn’t true. The ad wizards at ABC and the unabashed fanboys that work in entertainment media just want me to be guilted into joining their cult. I ain’t buying it – and neither should you.

The show is a soap opera. The only difference between Grey’s Anatomy and General Hospital is the programming schedule – but you don’t want to hear that, do you? Every time I have ever come across Grey’s Anatomy, somebody is having sex in a coat closet. I didn’t even know the show was about doctors until I read the DVD box.

This show has ruined America. It has made people think a medical show doesn’t have to involve medicine. It made people think it deserves a spin-off which will be exactly like the original, only with new pretty people (it worked for CSI). And worst of all, it made people think The Fray is a good band (see below). The time for judgment is coming, ABC. At least, I hope it is. (Please, please, please have the spin-off fail miserably)

4. Nobody actually likes The Fray, they just really like Grey’s Anatomy

If you ever take a look at the network statistics for various MySpace and Facebook groups, you’ll see that a lot of young people claim The Fray as a favorite group. They’re mistaken. They don’t actually like The Fray…they like “How to Save a Life” as played over a montage of doctors intermittedly getting it on and crying. It’s ok, I fell for it too.

I thought I liked their sound, then I obtained a copy of their album and found out every song sounds exactly like “How to Save a Life”. In fact, I kept thinking every track was the ubiquitous single until it got to the chorus. This band barely exists. As soon as ABC and that infernal soap opera finds a new poster band, they’ll be forgotten. Mark my words.

5. The White Stripes still rule

If the new single (“Icky Thump”) is any indication, this summer is going to rock in the way that only a quasi-conscious pretty drummer can rock. This album should be the biggest of the year. Don’t disappoint me, rock fans. I know some of you still exist.

I hate you all

Warning: This will be a hate-filled rant.

As you and everyone else in the entire universe know by now, Anna Nicole Smith is dead. Why do we know? Because you can’t get onto a news web site or turn on your television without seeing wall-to-wall coverage of this alleged event. I spent most of my elliptical time at the gym today trying to find news on television that wasn’t related to hashing and rehashing the details of the Anna Nicole Smith non-story.

I can stomp and scream at the heavens as to why her death does not warrant such media attention – after all, she was a Z-list celebrity for absolutely no reason – but it wouldn’t do any good. I know why this is a story and why we in the media have to just beat the living shit out of it: Because retards like you eat it up.

TV ratings took a big bump with this over-the-top coverage of a nobody’s death (and a certain psychotic astronaut thanks you for it). On our news site here in Milwaukee, it has far surpassed every other story in page views. You people just can’t get enough of this bullshit – you never can. If it sounds like I have an outrageous hatred for you – it’s because I do. I wish every last one of you would just jump off the closest bridge like the pathetic lemmings you are.

I have these little surges of rage every time some idiotic celebrity storyline has to take time away from covering actual news to feed the beast that is the American airhead populace. Whether it’s the Trump-O’Donnell feud, the Danny DeVito drunk appearance the every movement of David Beckham – I sit here and steam about the fact you’d rather hear about this than, say, something that actually affects your life. Did you know there’s a war on? That there are people being investigated all over Washington? That people in your community are doing great things? Do you even care?

Why can’t you – the American public – just get it all out of your system by watching “Best Week Ever” or “The Soup”? Do you need to see every moment of “Extra!”, buy every celebrity gossip rag and use your formidable viewership to tilt all legitimate news to your bidding? Why do You People have to win?

There's a sci-fi fan in most of us

Obviously something spurred my renewed interest in bitching about pop culture - and it was this. More specifically, it was the New York Times' TV Watch columnist being so hopelessly out of touch that I was a bit taken aback.

Take a look at this passage: "Lost” is at heart a science-fiction thriller, while “Heroes” is more of a comic book, but both genres have a similar appeal: they provide an alternative society for those who don’t fit comfortably into their own. (That is to say, smart, socially awkward adults and all 12-year-old boys.)

Er...what?

Now, I don't just take this to heart because I am a nerd - it's a whole other blog post to go into how not all nerds are socially awkward or 12-year-olds - but rather, I'm bothered by this as a journalist. Are we still passing around the stereotype about sci-fi TV fans, even after it has been disproved dozens of times by demographic studies? Is the allegedly most important newspaper in the U.S. still in the dark about this?

This column surmises that not only at shows like "Heroes" and "Lost" successful because of their appeal to those socially awkward nerds and kids, but so are programs such as "Smallville", "Battlestar Galactica", "Medium" and "Ghost Whisperer". Right. Of those six programs, four are on broadcast TV. Of those, two are frequent Nielsen top 20 performers ("Heroes" was #13 last week).

Are we to believe that 13.6 million Americans (the audience for last week's "Heroes") - or at least a substantial part of them - are socially awkward nerds and 12-year-olds? This is a tremendously popular show that is obviously watched by a wide range of people - it would have to be to even crack the top 20. Case in point: Amongst the coveted 18-49 demographic, "Heroes" ranked #9 - one slot above "24" and above a least one of those CSIs - hardly just the maladjusted and hopelessly single. I'm sure the ratings for "Lost" when it returns this week will only be higher.

Aside from the ratings, one has to wonder if this columnist actually talks to anyone besides their friends who watch TV. Just because their circle of friends and coworkers are those oh-so-typical "Grey's Anatomy", "CSI" and "American Idol" watchers doesn't mean that they can't crossover in viewership with sci-fi and fantasy shows. I mean, what is "Grey's Anatomy" if not a fantasy show anyway? How many real-life doctors have time for that much hooking up?

Get your facts and your unfounded opinions, straight Ms. TV Expert. Sci-Fi is bigger than it has been in years - and it isn't just because of us mouth-breathers. Your friends are very likely into “those nerdy shows” too.